starting in the middle

margo halverson

Directional Habits Unravel(ed)

Not a good grief. Just a Grief. As in Bridge of Spies Donovan (Tom Hanks) says to Abel (Mark Rylance): “You don’t seem alarmed.” To which Abel replies: “Would it help?”  Abel states this approach a few more times and each time I sort of gasp in my chest. He’s right. Right? Worry can become a lead booted try-to-run in a dream situation.

Would it help?

So the dog died almost three weeks ago. For about a year and a half of her eleven she was on borrowed time with congestive heart failure. She was happy though—running, playing, just a slow decline of muscle mass, energy, appetite—she’d rock with each heartbeat as she slept but didn’t seem to mind. She was on a handful of meds two times a day and extra diuretics two more times a day. She continued to run everyday in the woods and hunt squirrels and made her way through her various routines, just more and more slowly. Without details it was obvious when she hit a steady decline over about ten days then there was a day of which she didn’t need and I’m pretty sure didn’t want another.

But now I’m feeling the vigilance of watching her so closely that was cast with worry since there was only one direction this was headed slowly being taken over by what that feels cleaner somehow—a subtle but clear lifting of the attention that had a layer of worry embedded waiting for the worst while enjoying the best.

Ten years ago today my brother passed. He and I had talked about how we are all on the same path only with his we could name the how and pretty much the when. As we walked in the tunnels under Mayo in Rochester in 2005 we were hyper aware of what was coming, silently wondering how we could walk at all as he and I found an ice cream counter and ordered vanilla.

Would it help?

The ice cream, the tunnel, the diligently monitored daily squirrel hunting is available to become the bits and pieces of attention, clear and clean and make up the when of today with the how of time. Grief becomes something else, naked and laughing in the same breath as the missing and remembering.

IMG_0339

Cora, Vinalhaven, Maine, 2011, Sparrow Farm Trampoline

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on February 28, 2016 by .

My Instagram

Yay! Food, music, 🍻 🍺 and 🍻 and Hallie's Summer Ale packaging! #mecagd Closes in an hour! This Must Take a Long Time by Crystal Cawley. Beautiful. Yuppers! Ready to rib then sleeve island! My first colorwork, hope it blocks up great (I didn't swatch that part🙏). Whatever. It beats reading the news. #knit #knittersofinstagram #readyforfall #wool #knitting #iloveknitting #rowanyarn So great to celebrate the #mecagd class of 2017 together with the rising Seniors and our caring faculty. Talented, smart and fun. Kinda don't want to let them go. Thesis show opens in a week, work left to do, commencement May 13. 🏅💥💪 @mecagd Amazing beautiful gift from the class of 2017. You will all be missed!

Enter your email address to follow -starting in the middle- and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: